thinking

I haven't posted in a while except to post my hours, so I thought I would take a little time to write what has been on my mind lately. It is funny how I crawl into bed at night so exhausted from the responsibilities of school and yet I lay there and my mind wanders around and envisions paintings and images quite extraordinary, emotional, mystical, thought provoking, and expressive. I find that I have been painting in a more mature way this semester, painting from a rather emotional and expressive standpoint and yet asking myself logical and well thought out questions along the way, making conscious decisions rather than arbitrary ones, honing in on a talent that I have just begun to discover. It is something that causes me to question my major sometimes. I mean, all this preparation to be an art teacher, and yet, is this really what I am called to do? Sometimes I wonder if I will be able to inspire my students someday and give them a glimpse of the freedom and satisfaction found in making art. I truly feel that teaching is more than a job. Being a teacher is putting oneself in a position that directly affects the lives of those who are on the line between loving something and hating it. A teacher has the power to influence a student to fall or climb either way, and what a responsibility that entails! I want to be the kind of teacher who inspires students to love art and throw themselves in it. I want to stay passionate about what I do as an artist so that my passion will rub off during the times when nothing else will. Above all, I want to stay an artist. I want to continue painting in such a way that expresses what is important and meaingful to me. I want to grow. I want to challenge myself constantly. I want to teach, I do. It will probably be one of the biggest challenges of my life to teach high school, but I am up for it. I am willing to embrace it, embrace the mistakes, embrace the students who I inspire. I have been thinking so much about this lately, my mind has not had a minute to rest. I feel like David now.