my obligation

This week I realized the extent of expectation that I create for myself. Well, not entirely the complete extent, but I did uncover a truth about myself regarding my view of productivity. As a student and artist, I somehow set goals for myself, even simple ones, that compel me to act constantly. Now that I have only 13 credit hours this semester, I find that I have even more work than ever before, and I find that when I fail to complete that work, I feel even more regret than ever before. It is a puzzling characteristic about me. What I consider as productivity seems to be unachievable at times. I feel like I need to be learning constantly, as if I haven't a minute to lose, as if my very life depends on it. And when I find myself several goals away from where I wanted to be half a day ago, I feel as if I have failed miserably. I used to think that this was a result of my perfectionist state of mind, but I do not think so anymore. I believe I have an inner compulsion to "run the race" and to live doing just that. A purpose. A reason for doing what I am doing. A necessary obligation to learn. To learn for everything that I am worth. When I am not learning or pushing myself, I feel dead, stale, barely alive. What keeps me breathing in fulfillment is running toward the purpose firmly placed within me. I cannot explain why I am the way I am, why I feel as if I have lost myself when I do not achieve my goals, why I feel as though I have wasted the day when I do not run toward it with an inexplicable courage, why I even set goals for myself in the first place. I suppose I feel as if my life is a gift. I need to unwrap that gift, learn how to use it, and never let it stand idle. It is a divine obligation, and every day counts in pursuing this obligation. My life would not be beautiful without it.