the last three drawings

Self-Portrait
9.5”x 7”
Graphite and acrylic on Bristol board
2007






























Weighted and Gray
7.25”x 5.75”
Graphite and acrylic on Bristol board
2007





























Fierce
9.25”x 7.5”
Graphite and acrylic on Bristol board
2007

time log 15: 25 hours

4 drawings/paintings.
178 hours.
Immeasurable insight and experience.

My work this semester began at a rather slow pace, but within the last three weeks, it picked up speed and taught me so much about myself, my courage to try something a little bit different, and my ability to manipulate paint and color. According to my final contract, my goal for the remainder of the semester was to experiment with acrylic washes and push the use of color within my self-portraits. I believe that I successfully met this goal because I set aside the importance of the graphite and experimented with the washes, showing boldness in how I applied them. I overcame my preliminary disappointment when the graphite lost clarity underneath the washes by embracing the potential of the paint and using it to my advantage. I believe that my pieces are now stronger because of the expressive brushstrokes and splatters. Although these pieces may show my lack of expertise in this area, they testify to my willingness to experiment and sacrifice one element in order to gain another.

I really want to post pictures, but I am much too tired. Senior and all-nighter just don't go together anymore. First, some shut-eye, and then pictures...

• 25 hours composed of drawing, applying acrylic washes, matting, writing, thinking, and talking about my work
  

time log 14: 26 hours

Energy drinks and fifteen minute naps (that strangely turn into 3 hours).

This has definitely been a tough week for me, and another is fast approaching. But it is okay. If I can be this optimistic at 4:30 in the morning, then I will undoubtedly survive the gauntlet.

Drawing consumes me, but I truly cannot complain. Even though I am rendering in such a tight, refined, and intricate manner, I find something new and exciting about this process every time I am so deeply involved with it. I sit in my chair for hours on end and stare at the paper, my head only inches away from the work in front of me. And I think. And think. And think. And think. Like every single microscopic grain that makes up the sheet of paper, I think.

Ideas shoot through my mind, and I envision works of art waiting to be made into little imperfect realities. One thought I encountered while I worked today dealt with my technique and process. I realized that this could very soon become boring for me, and I wondered how I could use my ability to render in a different, more innovative way. And I definitely have some ideas. But what also struck me was the thought that maybe I am not quite ready for that yet. My process is still compelling and fulfilling. There is so much yet to learn. And I also made a discovery. I do believe that I can render very very very well. This should be astonishing for anyone who knows me because I am typically not one to say this. Confidence has always been an issue for me, especially in regards to making artwork. But intertwined with my thoughts today, I realized that I am becoming more and more confident as an artist.

I am looking forward to finishing up and the final critique...

time log 13: 16 hours

I made a lot of progress this week! (Finally.)

I will post a picture of my drawing soon...

As soon as I finish my painting, begin another one, finish my last two photography projects, begin another drawing, study for modern art, shoot slides, volunteer hours, sleep, I want to cry.

But it will get done. It always does...

time log 12: 11 hours

Well, it is that time again.

So here I am, posting my hours, and then going to bed.

____________________

I want to be elsewhere, I really do. Red, plaid pajama pants and a warmth completely inexplicable. Instead I am crawling outside into a frozen isolation and a lonely bed. Where are you?

time log 11: 5 hours

So.

Here is my measly culmination of hours.

What is so awfully wrong with me? Yes, I admit that I've put drawing on the back burner for the last two weeks, but I will recover, I promise.

I think.

No, I will.

Hmmmmm.

What a crunch time for all of us.

Hmmmmm.

I work so much better in the morning.

6 a.m. is the goal.

• 5 hours drawing
  

time log 10: 30 minutes

Quoted from my sketchbook on September 19th in preparation for my next painting...

"My life has meaning. My work has meaning. I want my work to not only be an account of the past, but also a testimony that screams GOD. His beautiful warmth, his lovely presence, his terrifying love."

"I want to start afresh, anew, with a satisfying purpose for my direction, not to show the frustration of the past but to show how God used the past to enrich my life. I saw God in those times of despair and loneliness. I set my head on my pillow and cried within his lovely presence. I felt his love so deeply. I want this to show... this more than anything else."



I will catch up in drawing soon. After painting for 5 days straight and with dirty fingernails, I am ready to grab my pencils, kneaded eraser, and patience, and tackle drawing like never before!

• 30 minutes posting

time log 9: 9 hours

More drawing!

:)

Ooh Ooh. New photo.






























(This is what I want to do right now... sleep!)

me

Two great conversations about art last night.

One with Ms. Ervin and one with David.

Artistic struggle bring people together and create a plethora of issues to be shared. I am exceedingly blessed to be who I am. My God creates with every ounce of purpose and intention.

I long to create.

time log 8: 5 hours

• 1 hour conversing about my direction and visiting local art galleries on David's lunch break (valuable inspiration for using graphite)
  


• 2 hours journaling about my first piece, posting, and writing my final contract


• 2 hours drawing (particularly the eye... you know how I am!)

Here is my final contract...

In keeping with the goals stated within my Statement of Direction, I will continue to create a body of work that exemplifies who I am at my inner core. I will expose qualities and attributes peculiar to my being in ways that extend beyond the traditional self-portrait. Through compelling compositions, unusual cropping, varying degrees of contrast, and the expressive use of color, my work will continue to describe personal aspects that others rarely ever observe.

My first piece enabled me to see how powerful color can be and what a vitality it is in relationship to the emotional content and conceptual substance of the work. I now realize that I need to push the potential of the washes much further and make them more important than the refinement of the graphite. My ability to apply acrylics must be strengthened so that I can more effectively use color to my advantage.

My goal for the remainder of the semester is to experiment with acrylic washes and push the use of color to a much greater degree. I will continue the process that I developed for the first piece by drawing from photos, rendering with graphite, and applying matte medium and acrylic washes over the surface of the drawing. Within the next four weeks, I intend to complete two more drawings of the same size as the first piece. During the last three weeks of the semester, my goal is to finish either a drawing that is larger than life or two smaller drawings. I will emphasize color throughout my approach and explore the capabilities of acrylic washes so that more meaningful interpretations can be constructed by the viewer as well as myself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My lack of charm is exceedingly noticable tonight. Sigh. To add a spark or two, here is a piece that will be critiqued tomorrow in photography. It is my self-portrait, and rightly so, for its essence portrays the vast distance from what people see on the outside and what is actually there... an emotional being with thoughts and struggles deeper than deep can go. This is true of everyone, is it not?

reflection

I am somewhat pleased with this piece. More importantly, I am inspired to push further without fear. I was encouraged during the critique on Monday to be more risky and even overwork the work if I need to. And I do believe that I do. I need to push the capabilities of the washes more than the refinement of the graphite. I need to strengthen my ability in applying acrylics and scheme how I can more effectively use them to my advantage. This first piece made me realize how much power I can wield through color and how much stronger my piece can be because of it.

My reaction to this piece is somewhat peculiar because after I finished applying the washes, I began to gain a conceptual enlightenment. I realized that the colors appeared to look somewhat muddy and washed-out, thus creating a rather dirty effect. I perceived this to be a perfect visual of how I come before my Maker time and time again... filthy in all my humanness, timidly lifting up my eyes to the only One who can purify me. This is intriguing for me as the artist, particularly because I struggle with feelings of condemnation quite frequently.

Art is like sailing to the edge of the earth and falling over the side into the unknown. Sometimes it is better to lose control of the navigation wheel and let yourself slip. My interpretation of this piece would not have occurred if I hadn't experimented with color and allowed the washes to react with the graphite. Now I am ready to experiment further and see what plethora of interpretations can be created.

time log 7: 23 hours

I know this is late in coming... but here it is.

I have so much to write in regards to my fall break and many pictures to post, but that will have to wait. So will my reflection and assessment of my first piece for critique.


23 hours (drawing and applying acrylic washes)

time log 6: 9 hours

This week...

I didn't accomplish as much drawing as I wanted to, but the progress that I did make was absolutely refreshing. I love drawing in a slow, precise manner, rendering every tiny nuance and every slight gradation and every minuscule bump and lovely perfection. There is something completely thrilling in watching a pupil begin to glisten and an area of flesh begin to develop in layers of bulge and wrinke.

Quite nice.

• 9 hours drawing
  

time log 5: 11 hours

1 o'clock in the morning calls for a brief post...




This week I dug deep into my direction and took a multitude of pictures, several of which I decided that I would use in the actual series. I also experimented with acrylic washes over a quick drawing and was highly pleased.
























The photo I chose for the first drawing tends to relate to the traditional self-portrait, but I figured it would be a good place to start. I intend to use bizarre and interesting compositions and facial expressions within the series... something a bit unusual for me considering how introverted and serious I can be.

My viewer may be surprised...

...and I may be too.

• 1.5 hours brainstorming/jotting down ideas/taking pictures
• 2.5 hours taking pictures/photoshop/printing
• 1.5 hours projecting and experimenting with the acrylic washes
• 4.5 hours drawing
• 1 hour taking pictures and posting

sorrowful loveliness

I am broken, but in such a good way.

I am beginning to understand how vital relying on my Creator truly is. Rather than trusting in myself or even the abilities He has given me, what really matters is trusting in Him to direct me as I pursue a future that is entirely unclear and that will always remain so.

So much growing up to do...

Nothing is certain, but I am certain of You.
Out of the darkness
Out of the brokenness
Out of this furnace
I find You.

time log 4: 5 hours

busy week
paper
printing negatives
writing resume
not drawing
work
studio
finally drawing
blah blah blah

My first attempt at exhibiting my work!

Maybe it isn't much, but this past Friday, I decided that I would enter two of my paintings into the Belton juried show. Kim and I took them over today, and now I am waiting on a little red card in my mailbox indicating whether they were accepted or not. Maybe they will be rejected, who knows, but I'm just happy that I finally made an effort.


















Downward Spiral
Mixed media on wood
46" x 36"
























A Juxtaposition of Hope and Fear
Oil on canvas
26" x 40"


My assignment this week was to pick an idea from Sketchbook with Voices, a compilation of art insights and exercises by various artists. I thought that Dennis Oppenheim was especially quirky and clever. Here are some of his pieces I looked at online.

Oppenheim wrote... An artist works through exposed wounds... something that is so true.

As my assignment, I picked the idea "paint faster than you think." This proved to be a liberating and freeing experience, an exercise more about the process than the end result. I took about 10 minutes for each piece, painting so fast that my mind could not dictate what my next move would be. This was really hard because I had to rely on my first impulse rather than what I "wanted" to do mentally. So I gooped up paint onto my brush and went at it. For the first one, I used a bristle brush, and for the second one, a palette knife.

Bristle brush

Palette knife

Detail 1

Detail 2

• 2.5 hours reading through Sketchbook with Voices, journaling favorite ideas, and looking up artists on the internet
• 2 hours brainstorming assignments and completing the "paint faster than you think" assignment
• a half hour taking pictures and posting on my blog

time log 3: 11 hours

The 6 degrees of separation assignment proved to be rather challenging because I began the project thinking that as long as I moved toward abstraction I would be okay. I failed to remember that I actually had to SUBTRACT from my original image or at least alter it in a rather minimalistic way as I separated myself from the forms that made up the white cup. So I started, then I started over, then I redid drawing four, or was it drawing five? Then I messed up on the last drawing, so I did that one over, and then I finally finished.

With success? Well, you be the judge. I am not completely satisfied with my progression between the third and fifth drawings, but I do like the last one. It was really lots of fun, despite my habitual messing up and starting over. The second drawing was really exciting to make. Sharpie was definitely my friend on that one. And I do believe that the final drawing possesses some kind of conceptual substance. I wanted to achieve a sense of contained chaos, and I think the sharp, tense, bold-colored lines within the delicate, perfectly-shaped bubble do just that. I think this represents a number of aspects regarding the human condition. Inside everyone, even the most perfect person, exists a constant tension or destructive force, something that I can confidently call the human condition. Also, in every situation, even the most cruel and devastating, there lives a constant hope, a light that keeps us going in the midst of agony. I especially like the sharp lines that lie so precariously next to the surface of the bubble. Sometimes life seems like this... about to burst, fall apart, spill its horrible contents on the floor.

Original drawing











1] soft pastels












2] sharpie











3] black, ochre, and gold ink











4] Prismacolor pencils











5] pointilism in black, red, blue, and yellow markers











6] acrylic paint


My hours this week...

• 2.5 hours working on a new blog template
• 15 minutes over dinner brainstorming assignment 2
• 1.5 hours beginning then starting over
• 1.5 hours working on drawings 1 through 4
• 2 hours redoing drawing 4 and finishing drawing 5
• 45 minutes working on drawing 6
• 1 hour reading Walking on Water
• 1.5 hours taking pictures and posting entries on my blog
  

If you have any questions about my entry below entitled are you really an artist, please read an older entry entitled it judges us. I think this should be relevant.

are you really an artist?

It seems that lately I have been forced to question the definition of being an artist.

I mean, anyone can say "I am an artist, I love to paint, I love to draw, it makes me happy, I like to make pretty things." Anyone can say those things, but as David told me in the car yesterday during a passionate discussion, anyone can say "Look, I am a swimmer!" while sitting in a freaking kiddie pool.

Are you really an artist? I honestly cannot tell you that I know the purest formula for answering that question. In fact, sometimes I even doubt my own artistic legitimacy. In a way, it is equivalent to being a Christian and entertaining doubts about Christ. And that is okay. That is perfectly natural. That is expected. What disturbs me is when someone proclaims to be an artist when the work reflects nothing of that person.

No effort. No growth. No experimentation. A lack of honesty and personal investment, either conceptually or technically. An unwillingness to embrace the uncertain elements necessary in making art. Close-mindedness. [That is a big one.]

I believe that to be an artist, one must make sacrifices. One must be willing to let go of restrictions, preconceived notions, and most importantly, the urge to withdraw emotionally and conceptually from the work. To be an artist is to live in the work.

I was outraged yesterday when I learned that the majority of my classmates were disgusted by Egon Schiele's work simply because it was ugly.

UGLY!

Is this how we define art today? With words synonymical to pretty and ugly? I honestly do not understand this. I was mortified to learn that this was the attitude of those who have had the opportunity to create their own work and experience the significance of expression.

What more can I say? I am speechless.

I am moved.

time log 2: 9 hours 30 minutes

I drew a cup.






Well, I drew a cup last week too, but I did not like it very much. I used a mechanical pencil so it was extremely hard to create smooth gradations, and I didn't use a light source, so the entire drawing came out much too dark, highlights and everything. My assignment was to draw a white cup on a white background and define the cup by drawing in only the shadows and highlights. I really enjoyed it. I sat for 4 hours straight drawing and listening to The String Quartet rock out to Atreyu.

• 3 hours reading and journaling Walking on Water
• 1.5 hours writing my Statement of Direction
• 1 hour posting on my blog and brainstorming in my sketchbook
• 4 hours redoing problem 1 (this time using a light source and regular pencil)

Here is my Statement of Direction thus far.

My goal this semester in ART 342 is to build a body of work that reflects who I am as an individual. Perhaps the most significant aspect of making art is found in the truth that art is an expression of the artist, whether conscious or unconscious, intentional or accidental. I truly believe this, and as an artist, I understand the importance of embracing the uncertain elements involved in making art with the intention that something new can be learned about the artist through the work in its completed state. My desire this semester is to use this opportunity not only to express myself through my work, but also discover aspects peculiar to who I am from my work.

I intend to achieve this by creating a series of self-portraits rendered in graphite pencil and refined by acrylic washes. These self-portraits will embody who I am at a deeper level based on the imagery and compositional elements used. I will begin my process by analyzing my inner qualities and exploring unique ways in which I can reveal these to the viewer. After journaling and sketching ideas, I will take pictures of my figure, head, and facial expressions that others would generally never observe, whether in photos or in everyday interaction. My goal will be to expose my inner self through creative, revealing, and yet sometimes mysterious ways. Based on the photos I have taken, I will construct compelling compositions and render the images in graphite pencil, using artistic license in refining some areas of the images and leaving other areas rather rough and unrefined. Once the images are drawn, I will apply matte medium and acrylic washes over the surface of the drawings to add color, depth, emphasis, and life. I will also experiment with lighting and contrast and push the subject matter as well as the colors used within each piece. My desire is that my work will move past the boundaries of the traditional self-portrait into an intense and emotional dialogue with the audience, and indeed, even myself.

it judges us

Several days ago I opened the front cover of an inspiring book and began reading. Jo Carol mentioned this book during our discussion on Art and Fear two weeks ago, and then it was randomly handed to me by a friend who had no idea that I was interested in reading it. Walking on Water: Reflections on Faith and Art by Madeleine L'Engle. I am amazed at the truth delivered through these pages. Such inspiration cannot go "un-blogged".

In reference to what some people consider to be non-Christian art...

An abstract composition by Kandinsky or van Gogh's landscape of the cornfield with birds... is a real instance of divine transfiguration, in which we see matter rendered spiritual and entering into the glorious liberty of the children of God. This remains true, even when the artist does not personally believe in God. Provided he is an artist of integrity, he is a genuine servant of the glory which he does not recognize, and unknown to himself there is something divine about his work. We may rest confident that at the last judgment the angels will produce his works of art as testimony on his behalf.

We may not like that, but we call the work of such artists non-Christian at our peril. Christ has always worked in ways which have seemed peculiar to many men, even his closest followers. We need not feel that we have to understand how he works through artists who do not consciously recognize him. Neither should our lack of understanding cause us to assume that he cannot be present in their work.

To be a witness does not consist in engaging in propaganda, nor even in stirring people up, but in being a living mystery. It means to live in such a way that one's life would not make sense if God did not exist.

Those who believe they believe in God, but without passion in the heart, without anguish of mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, and even at times without despair, believe only in the idea of God, and not in God himself.

And this is what I draw from to create my work.

We do not judge great art. It judges us.

my obligation

This week I realized the extent of expectation that I create for myself. Well, not entirely the complete extent, but I did uncover a truth about myself regarding my view of productivity. As a student and artist, I somehow set goals for myself, even simple ones, that compel me to act constantly. Now that I have only 13 credit hours this semester, I find that I have even more work than ever before, and I find that when I fail to complete that work, I feel even more regret than ever before. It is a puzzling characteristic about me. What I consider as productivity seems to be unachievable at times. I feel like I need to be learning constantly, as if I haven't a minute to lose, as if my very life depends on it. And when I find myself several goals away from where I wanted to be half a day ago, I feel as if I have failed miserably. I used to think that this was a result of my perfectionist state of mind, but I do not think so anymore. I believe I have an inner compulsion to "run the race" and to live doing just that. A purpose. A reason for doing what I am doing. A necessary obligation to learn. To learn for everything that I am worth. When I am not learning or pushing myself, I feel dead, stale, barely alive. What keeps me breathing in fulfillment is running toward the purpose firmly placed within me. I cannot explain why I am the way I am, why I feel as if I have lost myself when I do not achieve my goals, why I feel as though I have wasted the day when I do not run toward it with an inexplicable courage, why I even set goals for myself in the first place. I suppose I feel as if my life is a gift. I need to unwrap that gift, learn how to use it, and never let it stand idle. It is a divine obligation, and every day counts in pursuing this obligation. My life would not be beautiful without it.

time log 1: 12 hours 30 minutes

• 5 hours reading and journaling about Art & Fear
• 3 hours tinkering with my blog template, posting, and finding relevant sites to list under Art Related Links (check them out, by the way)
• 1 hour recording my thoughts regarding my concept for this semester
• 2 hours 45 minutes working on problem 1
• 45 minutes on the Internet looking at art sites (go to Susanna Coffey's site and look for her painting Drift)

Seriously, go look at that painting.

This has been a productive week. I am definitely geared up for drawing.

paintings to inspire

Artist: Susanna Coffey
http://www.susannacoffey.com/recent1.htm

I absolutley love the last several paintings of her recent work.

Drift
Night Vision
Remote

THE BEGINNING...

OF SENIOR YEAR AND AN ENTIRELY NEW FUTURE.

Just last week I made a crucial decision... one that stands as the most important decision I have ever made thus far. I decided to drop the art education concentration that I have been pursuing for the past three years and which I am only one class and one semester away from obtaining. In hindsight, it was more than just a concentration. It existed as a pitiful little string to cling to for financial security and an easy way out. It was certainly a string made to choke me and suffocate what I believe I am truly meant to pursue and be in this life. I intend to use this last year to prepare myself for graduate school and a future invested in teaching art at the college level. An overwhelming amount of work lies ahead of me, but I am up for the challenge... and completely at peace with my decision. I am now embarking on a journey which will provide me with a deeper understanding of what it means to truly trust God.

the very last time log

So do you remember me telling you about that horse a couple entries back? Well, we definitely got into a fight... we fought for 51 hours this week... and then I won.

Yep, 51 hours. I know I didn't need any more hours to be up to date in this class, but I really wanted to stick to my contract and have 3 pieces to show on critique day. So I plugged away this week and am now matting my pieces the best that I can (considering how I don't have a mat cutter). I still need to mat four more panels and write my assessment, but I thought I had better post before Jo Carol drinks her 6 a.m. coffee and checks my blog. I will probably post my assessment later and also take pictures of my drawings to put on here.

Good morning, Jo Carol :)

time log 12: 18 hours

Still working!! I am finished with my first panel of the second piece and am starting the second panel. I have so much to do next week, but I am looking forward to finishing two pieces and having three total for the critique.

thinking

I haven't posted in a while except to post my hours, so I thought I would take a little time to write what has been on my mind lately. It is funny how I crawl into bed at night so exhausted from the responsibilities of school and yet I lay there and my mind wanders around and envisions paintings and images quite extraordinary, emotional, mystical, thought provoking, and expressive. I find that I have been painting in a more mature way this semester, painting from a rather emotional and expressive standpoint and yet asking myself logical and well thought out questions along the way, making conscious decisions rather than arbitrary ones, honing in on a talent that I have just begun to discover. It is something that causes me to question my major sometimes. I mean, all this preparation to be an art teacher, and yet, is this really what I am called to do? Sometimes I wonder if I will be able to inspire my students someday and give them a glimpse of the freedom and satisfaction found in making art. I truly feel that teaching is more than a job. Being a teacher is putting oneself in a position that directly affects the lives of those who are on the line between loving something and hating it. A teacher has the power to influence a student to fall or climb either way, and what a responsibility that entails! I want to be the kind of teacher who inspires students to love art and throw themselves in it. I want to stay passionate about what I do as an artist so that my passion will rub off during the times when nothing else will. Above all, I want to stay an artist. I want to continue painting in such a way that expresses what is important and meaingful to me. I want to grow. I want to challenge myself constantly. I want to teach, I do. It will probably be one of the biggest challenges of my life to teach high school, but I am up for it. I am willing to embrace it, embrace the mistakes, embrace the students who I inspire. I have been thinking so much about this lately, my mind has not had a minute to rest. I feel like David now.

time log 11: 3 hours

So I have been researching the Romantic period for my art history project this week . . . and I stumbled upon THE perfect something to tell you about.

It is Gericault's Mazeppa.

Tied naked to a horse, Mazeppa became a symbol and an interpretation of the sufferings of the artist, of the man of genius who endures so much for the sake of his art.

Sigh.

That has been me this week. I finished a painting. One painting. In addition to an art history test and project, one painting. Sometimes I won't let myself finish something just to finish it. I have to push everything else aside in order to do my best. Unfortunately, drawing got pushed aside this week. I am determined that it won't happen again next week.

Hanna will get into a fight with her horse and win. I promise.

time log 10: 4 hours

Not as much as I wanted to this week, but what I have so far has given me enough incentive to keep going. I think I am really going to like this juxtaposition much better than the images in my last piece. Our midterm was exceedingly helpful. I was pleased to get the feedback that I did from my first piece, especially the suggestions concerning contrast and composition. I think this next piece will be much better in terms of imagery and the limited amount of information that the viewer will be allowed to notice right off the bat.

But now onto my painting... this horrible, ugly monster who has kept me from drawing! Ugh :)

time log 9

A WHOPPING 32 and a half hours! My first piece is finished and ready for midterm critique!!!

Spring break was essential to this class, that's for sure. I had originally planned on completing two diptychs before our midterm, but I honestly had no idea how long this type of drawing was going to take me. On average, it probably takes 3 hours to complete a 2" by 2" square on bristol board. PLAAAHHHH. Despite the vast amount of time required and the fact that I will only have two panels to show tomorrow, I thoroughly enjoy this type of drawing. For some reason or another, I have just enough drive to sit still and draw for up to four or five hours on end. So there you go. It might just be one piece, two panels, not much, but at least the detail and attempt at accuracy and precision speaks for itself. I am pleased.

More about my piece tomorrow....

time log 8: 4.5 hours

My painting is finished!!! I know that has nothing to do with this drawing class, but it all relates to art, so there you go. I know, I know, I was definitely a slacker this week in drawing, but not because I wanted to. I devoted long hours towards my painting, especially the last three days, and finally, I have come to a stopping point. I can't wait to post a picture of it. It is something quite different than anything else I have ever painted before... probably because I relied very heavily on an image tucked away in my mind rather than a photograph. There are parts of it that seem a little disappointing, things that I can't quite put my finger on, things that simply need me to go away for a while and then come back again. All in all, however, I feel like my painting is a significant step in my maturation as a painter and, therefore, a success.

Drawing... um... 4 and a half hours this week (including class). I have lots of work to do in the next two weeks before the midterm!

(Now I'm going to bed.)

spring is in the air

La de da. It is definitely a springfully wonderfully end of winterfully day!

Okay, so our progress check was cool, it was really interesting to see everyone's ideas and work so far. I was also excited that our midterm was moved because that gives me time to create one or two more pieces before we critique.

And Jo Carol, thanks so much for our talk. It brought me closer to the truth of what being an artist is all about and encouraged me in my direction. I was definitely on CLOUD ART yesterday and pumped up about where I am going with my drawing ability and ideas. I think it is interesting that I am enjoying this type of drawing while expressing myself in a completely different way in my painting right now. Gooping on globs of paint on one end of my artistic spectrum and carefully refining and rendering images on the other end. Ha. It is quite invigorating to me as an artist and keeps me going. (In addition to the art talks with inspiring professors :)

time log 7: 10 hours

Actually spent more time on my drawing this week than I thought I would. I really like it so far, especially the process, but it definitely is time-consuming. Hopefully I can post it soon. Maybe about six or seven more hours on it. We'll see.

Now on to painting. I'll be here until security kicks me out. Sigh.

This week: 10 hours

time log 6: 13 hours

So it's 12:55 Sunday night (well, morning), and I'm loving my first drawing so far. I've spent a total of 13 hours on it this week (mainly yesterday and today) and am looking forward to working on it more this coming week. I don't know how much time I will have for it, though. I have to start and finish a four by seven foot painting before next Wednesday. Yikes. But at least I've made some progress on my drawing.

Total hours this week: 13

erase

I really like it when drawing redeems myself. The insecurities and feelings of failure that exist within me erase themselves as my pencil fills the paper. Pure moments that are mine alone find themselves nurtured and reinforced, and I realize that I can succeed with the help of my Creator.

I am really happy with my first piece so far. I spent four hours on it this morning. I crawled out of bed, made some coffee, and got right to work.

Successful so far.

time log 5: 11 hours

I finally started the first panel of the first piece! It isn't much, but it is a good start for me, considering how I have been dealing with several annoying little fears this week. It feels great to finally be drawing again, even if it is a big dark shadow in the middle of the paper. I am getting excited now.

1 hour on Thursday brainstorming and journaling.

4 hours on Saturday finding more pictures and information on the Internet.

6 hours on Sunday sketching out compositional possibilities, discussing my fears with David, finalizing the arrangement of the images, photocopying and projecting, and beginning to draw!

Total hours this week: 11

it is my decision

It is funny how various thoughts and fears get in the way of my one big desire. I really want to draw right now. I want to find an image and begin drawing. So much of me wants to sit down with my graphite pencils and create the eyes, the face, the fabrics, the character of Bhutan. I want to let my hands do the thing that they really enjoy doing and see what appears on the paper. The only problem is the nagging fear that hits me when I think about drawing. I am afraid that the others will think that my direction is too contained and not daring enough. But who defines daring anyway? Who decides what is "out of the box" and worth pursuing? I feel that although my direction may be a bit more on the traditional side of drawing, it is still worthy of being nurtured and brought out. Maybe my drawings won't be contemporary or obscene enough for some people, but this is what I want to do, something that I have always wanted to do, and I am going to do it.

no meaning

So here is the reason why I completed 8 rather than 10 hours of work last week. Oh what an ugly culprit that I like so much :) Assignment? Make a meaningless piece of art that combines low art images to create a high art (rather undecipherable) painting.

It was also my first all nighter of the semester.

time log 4: 8 hours

This has been another 8 hour week. I spent roughly four hours brainstorming for assignment #3 and the rest of the time was spent executing my idea. I played around with lots of different ideas and finally decided to use one that was simple, clever, and extremely literal. I had fun with this assignment. Definitely didn't get to work on my own pieces, but that's okay. There is always next week.

positive and negative

Assignment 3. I really like it so far. My brain has been clicking and my visual imagination has been soaring and rising . . . hopefully to a great height. My ideas are developing, slowly as yet, but they have not stopped on the first little fit of fancy, and this is encouraging. One thing that I have decided to do this semester is push my brainstorming activities to a place where nothing can be added and nothing can be taken away. Rather than grab hold of the first idea that pops into my head and go with it, I have been challenging myself by exploring other possiblities as well and thinking things through on a deeper level, either with concepts or compositions or color studies. Something else that I have decided to improve this semester is my ability to trust my inner intuition, especially in painting. I want my brush marks and my color combinations to reflect me in a completely honest, brutal way. Planning is beneficial, but freedom in expression is also pertinant to being and breathing as an artist.

time log 3: 8.5 hours

I didn't spend as much time as I wanted to on my own direction this week. I think I got a little discouraged with the ten methods of mark-making I had to do for our second assignment, and I lost myself in that endeavor. I tried to be creative with the assignment, however, and decided to stick with a simple smiley face or gestural figure in order to reveal a creative technique. My favorite is definitely the water hose shaped like a pregnant woman kneeling. That was fun.

In regards to my own ideas, I explored Bhutan and its people even further and narrowed down the possibilities to a few interesting aspects that I would like to express through my first piece. I experienced some difficulty in deciding how to portray tthese aspects and asked lots of questions in my sketchbook about my direction, such as, "Why am I even using a diptych?" and "How should both panels relate to each other?" Luckily, I had a very helpful discussion with David that left me with a greater sense of what I wanted to achieve. A bigger question is at hand . . . even bigger than simply what interests me . . . and it is up to me to find a way to relate this to the viewer.

But I have some ideas. So this has been a good week, all in all. I am slightly confused as to what I am SUPPOSED to have done by the third week of class . . . but I suppose I am only to have done what I (the artist) should have done and no one else. So in that sense, I feel like I have accomplished something. I am beginning to understand my role more and more and that I do not have to follow a set plan just like everyone else. Embrace this freedom and learn more about what it means to be "the artist".

A summary of this week:
1/2 hour on Tuesday [thinking and journaling]
4 hours on Saturday [working on the second assignment, researching, finding more pictures of Bhutan, looking at other artists' work on the Internet, and blogging]
2 hours Sunday afternoon [journaling, brainstorming, and discussing my concepts with David]
2 hours Sunday evening [working on the last 2 methods of mark-making, sorting through images, and sketching]
Total: 8 and 1/2 hours

site

Inspiration is always right around the corner.

Here is a site that David showed me last summer and I am in total admiration for.
http://gubia.neurasthenic.net

I looked at the work by Maureen Gubia today and saw something in her pieces that truly came to life and reminded me of what I have in my own head for my own pieces this semester. I plan on rendering the images on a high technical level, but I am also convinced that using color in a free and creative way will add so much to the drawings. So there you go. I guess frustrations eventually give way to motivation.

inexpressible

A little frustrated with art today. Not really wanting to find 10 unique ways to make it. Just give me a brush and some oils and I think I will let my feelings out in a thick application of paint. Bleed into abstraction. I do not care about making art logical right now. Who cares how the marks are made anyway. I just want to make it in a fury and fit of passion. I want to express.

time log 2: 11 hours

The hours I put in this week were geared primarily toward research and exploration. In sync with my direction, I began my search by looking through one of my favorite books, Women in the Material World, a book which I have cherished for many years now and will find extremely useful throughout this project. After making a list of countries to explore, I decided to begin with Bhutan, a tiny Himalayan country wedged in between India and China, and read the chapter dedicated to this country. I spent a couple hours browsing several online databases and found a number of articles from various academic journals, which I later read, highlighting information that could possibly be incorporated into a central concept. I made notes in my sketchbook and picked out various themes, associations, and objects that held potential for playing a role in the final drawings depicting Bhutan. I also spent time looking for images that I could use within the piece. The total number of hours spent researching and journaling about Bhutan was 7 hours. I also spent 2 hours making bad art, 1 hour thinking and journaling about bad art in my sketchbook and my blog, and another hour in class.
Total: 11 hours

THERE IS OVERWHELMING DRAMA AND VALUE IN EACH AND EVERY HUMAN LIFE, NO MATTER HOW PROFOUNDLY THESE LIVES ARE IGNORED. THESE ARE LIVES UPON WHICH THE WELL-BEING OF THE WORLD DEPENDS.

[Women in the Materal World]

100 note cards

So I have been pondering the definition of bad art for a while today. I was sitting in David's car this afternoon while he was making a quick stop at the laundry facility near his apartment, and it hit me that bad art is in some way correlated to the definition of good art. [Besides it being just as vague and ambiguous.] I think that the quality of art can be determined by looking past the surface and going deeper. In other words, I think that good and bad art can be deciphered by understanding the intention and mind set of the artist. To me, good art expresses something and is created intentionally to express something. I am sure that happy accidents happen every now and then when the artist absent mindedly creates something that happens to impact the viewer... but as part of the bigger picture, I feel that artists who create a piece of work for a reason and who actively embrace the process are successful. Maybe the outcome is not as strong or pleasing as it could have been, but the intention is there, and the artist has a reason for making art. If we judged art in terms of technicality and precision, then we would all fall short and would be creators of nothing other than bad art. Therefore, it is much more than perfection. It is human intention evident in artistic passion and a concrete outcome.

Bad art, on the other hand, must be the opposite of what I feel good art represents. It must be created without intention and must be absent mindedly put together. I think that bad art does nothing for the artist and is most likely to do nothing for the viewer as well. Meaningless, inconsistent, without passion and inspiration behind it.

So, based on this idea, I have been creating little pictures, pictures that speak nothing to me and are derived from a rather boring subconscious.

Time Log 1: 13 hours

This week:
I spent a total of 9 hours reading Art & Fear and writing down relevant and inspiring passages/thoughts in my sketchbook.
I spent over an hour setting up my blog, writing entries, and taking pictures for it.
I spent over 2 hours thinking through and writing my statement of direction.
I also spent at least an hour with David discussing Art & Fear and my idea for this class.
Total: 13 hours

click here

Today has been a good day. I made $50 and had fun making it. I finished writing my statement of direction and took pictures of my artwork from last semester. That is something that I rarely do, but I definitely plan on posting my work from now on, especially the art that I make this semester.

Here are three of 15 paintings that I completed as part of the fear project from Painting 2.

my little motivational speech

There is a truth about me and blogs. However much I love them, I find it rather difficult to confront a blog that I have just created and post the very first entry. Rather than allow my fingers to express myself, I spend an entire week critiquing the design and typography of the webpage and searching through the html code for something to correct. I stare into space and envision wonderful sentences that I have pieced together, and I even think about where to put the commas and italics… but I always fail to actually piece any sentences together. I refrain from writing because I am afraid that nothing breathtaking will proceed from within me. Jibber jabber is bound to exist… that is all I am capable of.

This belief is no stranger to me. It is something that I have been overcoming my entire life. Perfectionism. Feeling incapable of doing anything well. I have gotten better, believe me. I have come to realize that I can create with outstanding intention and finish with a result that gives me the feeling of self-satisfaction. I can, even when everything in me feels like a failure.

Creating art has allowed me to drive this feeling of failure a little farther away. I have been able to use uncertainty to my advantage and learn from my paintings and solutions to various problems. I am realizing that mistakes are good and that real growth develops when uncertainty is embraced. I want to be an artist who is willing to explore and endure moments of not knowing in order to discover what is worth pursuing and how it might possibly be pursued.

I am excited about participating in this self-directed drawing class. I have an idea, and even though it seems quite challenging to me because I am clueless as to how I will construct and connect the images, I am willing to run away with my desire to do this. I mean, I have always wanted to, ever since I was a little girl. Why not abandon my fears of incapability and see what happens?